5 Thigs the Jam Scene Can Do Without

By Art Howard, Airer of Obnoxious Opinions		Recently I ran into an old acquaintance at a bluegrass show. We began discussing the jam band scene, and some of the aspects of it we could do without. This acquaintance has been a decade-long member of the jam community, whereas I am relatively new. However, despite the gap in the time we've been participants, we had many of the same pet peeves about the scene . I decided, hey, why not stick my neck out, risk being stoned by the masses, and air some of these thoughts right here on VoyagerMagazine.com, by golly?

Whether you are a performer or fan, you will find that this list contains many interesting points that you might want to print out and post on the refrigerator, or call and share with Grandma.

5.) "I Know You Rider" Sure, its a great song, and the first 1,000 times I heard it covered I said, "Oh, neat! 'I Know You Rider!'" But the 1,001st...I dunno, something just wasn't the same. And it didn't get any better by the 2,005th. It would appear "I Know You Rider" has become the ultimate suck-up-to-the-Deadheads song.
The Grateful Dead recorded many albums and have numerous other tunes to choose from. Let's explore them, shall we?

Mandolin

4.) Sliding 9th chord riffs and wah pedals.

Maybe only other musicians will get this one.

When a band of suburban white boys decides to get funky you can count on one thing: That first 9th chord every guitar player learns, played as a one-fret slide for at least eight minutes, wrapped up in plenty of wah pedal. When the suburban white boys really get down and dirty the keyboards and maybe even the bass guitar will also have a wah. I actually saw a band where even the drummer had wah. You had better believe they were the funkiest band on the planet, or at least they hoped so.

Please, folks - let's make a written rule that only one band member will be allowed to "wah" at a time, and only for a certain duration. As far as that sliding 9th chord riff - let's retire it entirely.

3.) "...their eclectic amalgam of rock, bluegrass, jazz and funk." I read a lot of band Web sites, press kits and articles where this phrase is used to describe the music. Bands, this phrase might have set you apart five or 10 years ago, but I'm afraid you're going to have to try harder now. How about, "...their eclectic amalgam of polka, country-western, and death metal?" Now that's something you don't hear every day.

As my acquaintance said, "When you see 'eclectic' its a warning sign. When you see 'eclectic amalgam,' its time to run."

2.) "We're not really a jam band." Lots of jam bands are claiming not to be jam bands lately. "Just because we cover 'I Know You Rider,' feature sliding 9th chord riffs with plenty of wah, and play an eclectic amalgam of rock, bluegrass, jazz and funk does not mean we are a jam band!"

Guitar picker

The desire to be seen as unique is not unique at all, and neither is it wrong. However, I think the reason so many groups are fleeing the "jam band" label is not because of an artistic desire to avoid categorization. More likely it is because radio, MTV and the mainstream music magazines instantly reject you when you carry that tag. It does place a kind of glass ceiling on your career. When you are a jam band you know two things - you get a built-in audience of every college kid who owns a bong and flocks to jam band shows, and you are most likely not going to be on the radio or be backed by major concert promoters. So now we get bands who virtually invented the genre disowning it.

1.) Ladies, please - shave your armpits. Its happened to me more than once at a show. I see some tall, bronzed Venus. Moved by the music she begins to sway, eyes closed, enwrapped in sonic, semi-erotic ecstacy. She lifts her lean arms skyward, and - oh, Jesus! She has more hair under one armpit than I have on my entire body!

Yeah, okay, "Women suffer bulimia and anorexia because they try to meet the false, unnatural standards of beauty forced upon them by men and Hollywood." Yeah, okay, I believe in equal pay for equal work, etcetera, but sorry, Carmen Electra is hot and hair under your armpits is not. So ladies, please - shave your armpits.

Hairy armpit

Fellow jam fans, together we can solve these imperfections in our musical Utopia. I look forward to your eager cooperation.